It all started on Christmas eve of 93',the conversation seems all so meaningful and nice. That night after a very long talk,we decided that the time is right for us to be together. All the experiences that we have gone thru individually made us think that what supposed to be would really meant to be. Can't believe that from someone so random that we'v managed to be bestfrens then its actually proceeding to be a couple. Must admit that it felt happy to be together again. So here we are, being together and having it as our lil secret.
Well,the secret was short lived as we were together for almost a week without anyone knowing and then finally its about time for us to meet up. Knowing the nature of my job and the people that are my colleagues,there's no way that its gonna be a good surprise for them. Especially towards the 'sister' that I have. She's been having major crush on him for as long as I could remember. I know that I can't just break the news to her instantly. So,I did what I did,you can call me names for all you want after reading about what I did but at that point of time,I really didn't have any regrets at all. I took one fine day to be breaking the news to her then,told her about how me and beau got to contact each other again. She was indeed surprised that the phonecall happened. The only part that I purposely left out was the part that we'v been together again eversince then. With a lil white lie,I told her that he's been asking about her too when she started to ask me if he knows about her existence. There came all the good reviews about him... About how good a guy he is,about he is being a nice guy and all... For a moment there,I almost believed that she had meant all those words...haha...
These nice and flowery words about him lingers on at work for almost 3 days. She even kept praising him of his gentlemanly ways when they used to hang out in a group... Why 3 days? Well,that is because,he'd be finally be fetching me from work then.. Yup...meeting everyone up close that night... On that very day itself,the moment when I saw her at work,I summed up my courage and tell her everything... Everything,from the very day I made that call till the day that I was standing right in front of her. And to my surprised,words change !!! From the 'Nice' person he is,he became the 'playa' type... She started rambling about how I shouldn't be with him,how he likes to break a woman's heart,how notorious he could be and that I'd regret being with him....so on and so forth... Really nothing beats the way when a woman is scorned.....
Sunday 19 May 2013
Thursday 16 May 2013
My Story....Facade??
As the story goes, finally I'v contacted him. Its such a relief to be hearing from him again. The all familiar voice,the talks and everything. There's definitely a lot of catching up for us. All the past that we had with each other was instantly forgotten. Told him about Gary's demise and he told me about his NS life and his break up with a girl whom he nearly got engaged to. Ya..we do have our own history together.. Never really a bad one but indeed something that I find unique. Maybe,you could just say that I'm just a bad boy magnet. Hahaha...funny indeed.... Well there's a reason for me to be saying this actually.. Met him during one of those event outings that I had with my frens a few years back.. Its the countdown to the New Year to be precised. He was the sort of boys whose cute looking.. I myself was not really a looker then. Had a short fling with him till one day we decoded that we still want to experience life,we still wants to enjoy our teens and its definitely not the time for commitments yet. So we parted and become best frens. That's when he started being high from drinking and drugs of all sorts. And he starts dating girls after girls whom of which are in a circle of my frens. I know...its weird to be seeing an ex beau with other girls and still be on good terms with him. But that's the uniqueness of it all. The understandings that we possessed between one another. He's not the only one dating tho,for a fact that I'm doing it too but when it comes to our nightly chats on the phone,nothing about our rendezvous would ever emerge. We'd just talk with comfort and laughters everynight.
This time round,the conversation is definitely different. We seems to miss each other so badly. Then finally,after nearly 3 hours of talk,he finally confesses to still be holding the flames for me. Even tho I'm skeptical,the sense of happiness was there. To think that a failed relationship,being a witness to his flamboyant ways and losing contact for quite sometimes would still have him harboring those feelings for me. As for me,all I wanted to do is to get on with life. Not to forget Gary but just having to move on. The mind just needed a rebound guy. And he seems perfect coz I know that he won't hurt me,I know that he cares for me but what I didn't know and never could predict after so many years later was that he's the biggest mistake of my entire life and existence. At that point of time,all I did see was that he's my knight in shinning armor.
After so much thinking,being bestfrens and all,on that fateful morning we decided to be together this time. To be special towards each other since we already knew and accepts each of our own colorful background and experiences. The happiest moment indeed. A win win situation for me. To have a rebound guy who understands me fully,knows me personally and accept me for who I am. A person whom of which everyone is familiar with. Even my family knew him. But little do I know the hard truth to it all.... It's all a facade,a beginning indeed....
This time round,the conversation is definitely different. We seems to miss each other so badly. Then finally,after nearly 3 hours of talk,he finally confesses to still be holding the flames for me. Even tho I'm skeptical,the sense of happiness was there. To think that a failed relationship,being a witness to his flamboyant ways and losing contact for quite sometimes would still have him harboring those feelings for me. As for me,all I wanted to do is to get on with life. Not to forget Gary but just having to move on. The mind just needed a rebound guy. And he seems perfect coz I know that he won't hurt me,I know that he cares for me but what I didn't know and never could predict after so many years later was that he's the biggest mistake of my entire life and existence. At that point of time,all I did see was that he's my knight in shinning armor.
After so much thinking,being bestfrens and all,on that fateful morning we decided to be together this time. To be special towards each other since we already knew and accepts each of our own colorful background and experiences. The happiest moment indeed. A win win situation for me. To have a rebound guy who understands me fully,knows me personally and accept me for who I am. A person whom of which everyone is familiar with. Even my family knew him. But little do I know the hard truth to it all.... It's all a facade,a beginning indeed....
Monday 6 May 2013
A Lil Something...
Well...before I even attempt to continue with my story writing,Let me tell You a lil something about myself.....
I may not be a perfect person with a good command of English.. I wrote what I feel,What I experience and how I see things the way it is.. Yes My Story is about me...My Life.... Might not be interesting but I've lived it..The so-called Love-Hate relationship I had with my life..
I don't like to be judged and neither do I want to judge. I'm being frank and honest coz I dare.. I dare to admit the mistakes in my life and I dare to just be verbally honest about it. And if being brave and open to it is so called STUPID,then those who judge only after knowing the partial truth are IDIOTs..
My Story hasn't end,It has just begun.......
I may not be a perfect person with a good command of English.. I wrote what I feel,What I experience and how I see things the way it is.. Yes My Story is about me...My Life.... Might not be interesting but I've lived it..The so-called Love-Hate relationship I had with my life..
I don't like to be judged and neither do I want to judge. I'm being frank and honest coz I dare.. I dare to admit the mistakes in my life and I dare to just be verbally honest about it. And if being brave and open to it is so called STUPID,then those who judge only after knowing the partial truth are IDIOTs..
My Story hasn't end,It has just begun.......
Saturday 27 April 2013
My Story... the past returns..
After quite sometime that I'v been living my days in busy loneliness,I'v finally decided to move back to my parents' place... Accept that,my problem this time was that I wasn't allowed to bring my close friend back together with me. The only person that has been with me for nearly 3 years.. Knowing my ups and downs... Living as the only sister that I'v ever had.... Its bad enough that I couldn't get along well with my step father, lte alone even to have a one line conversation with him... Aaaarrrggghh !!!! Its so irritating to come home as a stranger daily... All the more that I won't be home always...
The house that I'v called home for nearly a year was then surrendered over. Among all my belongings and furniture have to be left there for good... Coming back home to the hometown that I grew up in,Living in a cramped space with my own family.. The thoughts are never welcoming to me. With a big difference since everything that has happened,I won't know how to go back to life normally... School was already out of the question for me now. Doesn't matter if once upon a time,all the ambitions that I had.. They all just seems to be a big smashed and shattered dreams for me. I didn't even try to establish any contacts with my former schoolmates. They just seems to vanished into thin air like smoke. The only driving force that I have in me was just to carry on living and to be earning some decent livelihood for myself. And in that,not even depending on my mother. My only contact then was towards a few friends of mine that still bothered to hang out at times. My outings with those hoteliers never did end thou at times I do get sick and tired of it.. Doesn't matter how busy my day is,I just can't shake the feeling of being alone.
After about 3 months that I went back home,I received an unexpected call from a girlfriend of mine. The call was not as surprising as the news that she bought together with her. Apparently,my so-called bestfriend was actually looking all over for me. He had wanted to contact me for so long but he just won't know where I'd be. Initially,I was reluctant to give him a call as its been nearly over a year that I'v talked to him. We used to talk a lot on the phone,everyday a new topic would arise. At times,its just empty talk with lots of jokes and laughter accompanying the conversations. I'd at most times referred him as my happy pills. Its just that,the friendship turned sour as both of us has our own serious relationship in hand. As I'v mentioned before,there were times after Gary's demised that I'v badly wanted to hear from him again. Maybe,just to get the smile back and to hear the familiar voice that I'v been so comfortable with. It took me 3 whole days before I actually could summed up enough courage to give him the much awaiting phonecall.. Maybe,the history between us was too much for me to handle then,knowing the state that I'm in,I know that the heart is still too fragile to even talk to him again.
The house that I'v called home for nearly a year was then surrendered over. Among all my belongings and furniture have to be left there for good... Coming back home to the hometown that I grew up in,Living in a cramped space with my own family.. The thoughts are never welcoming to me. With a big difference since everything that has happened,I won't know how to go back to life normally... School was already out of the question for me now. Doesn't matter if once upon a time,all the ambitions that I had.. They all just seems to be a big smashed and shattered dreams for me. I didn't even try to establish any contacts with my former schoolmates. They just seems to vanished into thin air like smoke. The only driving force that I have in me was just to carry on living and to be earning some decent livelihood for myself. And in that,not even depending on my mother. My only contact then was towards a few friends of mine that still bothered to hang out at times. My outings with those hoteliers never did end thou at times I do get sick and tired of it.. Doesn't matter how busy my day is,I just can't shake the feeling of being alone.
After about 3 months that I went back home,I received an unexpected call from a girlfriend of mine. The call was not as surprising as the news that she bought together with her. Apparently,my so-called bestfriend was actually looking all over for me. He had wanted to contact me for so long but he just won't know where I'd be. Initially,I was reluctant to give him a call as its been nearly over a year that I'v talked to him. We used to talk a lot on the phone,everyday a new topic would arise. At times,its just empty talk with lots of jokes and laughter accompanying the conversations. I'd at most times referred him as my happy pills. Its just that,the friendship turned sour as both of us has our own serious relationship in hand. As I'v mentioned before,there were times after Gary's demised that I'v badly wanted to hear from him again. Maybe,just to get the smile back and to hear the familiar voice that I'v been so comfortable with. It took me 3 whole days before I actually could summed up enough courage to give him the much awaiting phonecall.. Maybe,the history between us was too much for me to handle then,knowing the state that I'm in,I know that the heart is still too fragile to even talk to him again.
Tuesday 23 April 2013
My Story...... The beginnings again......
As months went by,I struggle my way thru work. Becoming a workaholic is everything that I knew that I could be at the time. I just felt like I shouldn't be at home anymore. Despite having lots of people around me, I'd often felt so alone... At times,I can't even shoulder the loneliness on my own... I started to club right after work.. Drink,went for a game of billiard or even just take long walks to the other side of town to have my meals and then back again. Even tho with new friends and old friends around,they somehow or rather knows that I'v not recovered myself from the traumatic experience that I went thru few months back.Anyway,still at the back of my mind,questions about his death still lingers on... And for once,I really felt lost.... Just couldn't figure out where my life is heading to... I quit school,spent on my savings and just be someone whose so clueless about my own future..
Making friends was never really hard for me but at that point of time,I became more quiet. Nothing or no one really matters to me. Not even my family nor my mum. I just want to be alone. Just wants to be by myself most of the times. Even when noises around me never fail to attract attention to others, I'd just keep on ignoring it... To me,Its none of my business to begin with... Late at nights when there are occasions that I won't have any destination after work, I'd rather make myself a pot of coffee and just be sitting down by the staircase that Gary once climbed. My mind was never at ease...there's always something that lingers deep inside me wanting a friend,a familiar voice a person that I used to be close to talking and listening to me..
A neighbor of mine would often be my companion during those nights that I'd have my coffee brewing. Liked me,he too came from one of those "broken up" family.. He'd tell me his day at work once after he got himself settled down from the tiring day at work. He'd tell me stories of his love life.. Interesting thou... Even so,spending time with him always reminds me the best friend that I used to have.. A fling that actually turns comfy once upon a time. A fling that turns friendly and funny once upon a time. A fling that turns to be my bestfriend that I'd always confide in who'd always be there to listen and not to judge.. Those were the days before I lose contact with him for some small issue that was called "relationships".....
Making friends was never really hard for me but at that point of time,I became more quiet. Nothing or no one really matters to me. Not even my family nor my mum. I just want to be alone. Just wants to be by myself most of the times. Even when noises around me never fail to attract attention to others, I'd just keep on ignoring it... To me,Its none of my business to begin with... Late at nights when there are occasions that I won't have any destination after work, I'd rather make myself a pot of coffee and just be sitting down by the staircase that Gary once climbed. My mind was never at ease...there's always something that lingers deep inside me wanting a friend,a familiar voice a person that I used to be close to talking and listening to me..
A neighbor of mine would often be my companion during those nights that I'd have my coffee brewing. Liked me,he too came from one of those "broken up" family.. He'd tell me his day at work once after he got himself settled down from the tiring day at work. He'd tell me stories of his love life.. Interesting thou... Even so,spending time with him always reminds me the best friend that I used to have.. A fling that actually turns comfy once upon a time. A fling that turns friendly and funny once upon a time. A fling that turns to be my bestfriend that I'd always confide in who'd always be there to listen and not to judge.. Those were the days before I lose contact with him for some small issue that was called "relationships".....
Thursday 11 April 2013
My Story.....Messages....
The days just went by me so sadly.. I couldn't get over the facts that Gary has left me for good.. Left the world and left the living behind. The days was just spent with me crying and mourning of my loss. Friends around me was concerned but in the same time,as hard as they tried,I just couldn't stop all the crying. A week later,one of Gary's best buddy actually came by the house to do a check on me. He was shocked to see me in that state of sadness. His visit is with a purpose. That day,from him,there are definitely something about the late Gary was unveiled. Eventho it was a shocking news to me, I do appreciates the visit. His piece of news calmed me down a lot. Even he was surprise at it.
It was early in the morning when Bunns appeared at my door. I was so depressed by Gary's passing that I didn't even bother to do anything but just to weep and cry a lot.. Everything that I see around me reminds me so much of Gary. And everytime the thoughts comes across me,I'd just weep and weep uncontrollably. Lets just say that Bunns acted as a messenger to me. Apparently,seeing my bad shape,he finally broke down and told me everything that he have had conversations with Gary from the day we broke off till his very last day on earth. Its true that Gary hasn't been himself much of late. He kept talking about death to his friends and family as if death is an old friend that is coming to visit him. He kept saying that its never gonna be fair for me if he'd have died before he end things with me. Being a good friend,Bunns was always there to keep his head leveled. He noticed Gary's changes more visibly during the week of the break up, hence he sat Gary down and talked about things to Gary. He was shocked to hear that we have actually broken up for no reasons at all. He had given Gary advises that had finally made Gary change his mind. Eventually in the whole conversations,I finally knew why Gary had came back.... He had wanted a reconciliation with me. That night itself,for once he doesn't want to believe that his time was near. He had wanted to start over,anew and afresh with me. He really does misses me a lot. Bunns was the person who had personally sent him home to my place. Leaving his friend at the carpark nearby without having a doubt that Gary would finally see me that night. He had really thought that things would turn out well for us again till later that night when he saw me fetching Gary's elder brother and hearing the shocking news. Honestly,whatever he had told me had given me a slight happiness. I now knew that the love he had for me was all along there till the day he died. Now that to me meant true love but too bad that destiny and fate decides to play a cruel joke on us.
But still,my life changed forever.... Not only that I've heard the good news,I was also told of a bad news. Well,knowing that Gary was indeed a 'SomeOne' of some sort. I wasn't going to be spared.. Not by his family nor close friends but by the gang members that used to lead by him (Gary). Bunns did tried to explain things to them about the whole situations but it just seems to opposed by them. They had insisted that Gary's fall was caused by me pushing him down and never a mishap to begin with. Now...I was being head hunted by them. Lucky for me,the place where I stayed was being revealed by both Bunns,Mac or any one of them that was present that night. They knew that I wasn't at fault and I wasn't even in the house when the whole incident took place, In fact they knew the culprit and are dealing it with her on their own.. Ironically,bothe the good and the bad news had made me feel rather blessed.. And I for once had to prove myself to Gary ( I believed that his soul is still aroun to see ) that I am indeed a stronger person who would be able to handle those shit of situations.....
Tuesday 9 April 2013
My Story.....The Image.....
From the looks of it,I'm sure by now everyone is gonna think that I'v been writing about my love life and my heartbreaks.. Its not that simple tho,I may seem to be just like the typical teen who just discovered love than got my heart badly broken. The storyline might seems all too familiar to the readers. Unfortunately, its just different. Its just part of my journey in life that really serves it purpose in building up my character,my personality,my strength and above all,my patience..
Its been a week since Gary left. I'v been depressed. Can't eat,no mood to talk,skipped school and won't even go out to work. My neighbors and friends began to worry about me. I didn't hear the news of Gary,no phone calls nor visits. The sadness of the past years was could never be compared to what I'm facing now.. Sad...betrayed..... But then again,I felt blessed to be given friends that are caring and concern enough for me. It took them 1 whole week of persuasions before I even decided to get out of the house. Take some breather outside of my zone. To smile at the very least. They had treated me of my favorite nasi lemak that was sold at the hawker centre nearby. Even the uncle who cooks the nasi lemak was determined to see me back to my old self again. Slowly,I began to see and reakised what these nice people's intention was. They just cared a lot for me. After spending sometime at the hawker centre with my friends, We decided to head down to the nearest 7/11 that was at the area. I must admit tho,during those times,these 7/11 are never near or convenient enough. By this time,my emotions has almost returned back to normal. My friends convinced me to see the brighter side of life. I'm all smiles,all jokes and laughter... We even managed to pull a prank at the cashier during our visit at the 7/11.. My friends are indeed a bunch of gems that were sent by heaven..haha...
On our way back to the flat,as we were chatting and laughing we suddenly saw this taxi that was heading fast from the opposite direction. What shocked us was,even before the taxi managed to make a full halt,the passenger door at the back had already sprung opened. We stopped short,thinking that there might be ab accident that is about to take place right infront of our eyes...As the taxi stopped short right beside us, Farah (another friend of mine that was putting up at my place) emerged. With a trembling voice,she shouted " Lina,lina !! come quickly !! Get in the cab with me ! I need to fetch Gary's brother ! Gary had a fall !!" In a shocked state,I just got into the cab with her.Before the taxi left the scene,I over heard my friends concerned voice saying that they'd rush home to see the 'Fall' that Farah was talking about. Still in a state of shocked and daze,all I could hear from Farah is noises and occasionally hearing the word Fall over and over again. I couldn't help but to have worriedness building up in my heart.
We finally reached our destination. True enough,we found Mac and his friends at their usual place. Being a malay,back then I couldn't even understand an ounce of Tamil coming out of their mouth during conversations. But I do see worried and panicked building up in their faces as the convo was about to end. Suddenly everyone was rushing to be somewhere. They gave me a lift on one of the bikes and all was heading to my home. Upon reaching the entrance of my carpark,I noticed a couple of police cars already there and a huge crowd seems to be forming around something or someone at the carpark. I also saw my friends' worried and sad faces when they realised that I'v returned. I stepped down the bike to see a gruesome sight at the foot of my block... Its Gary !!!! Indeed he had a fall,a fatal one at that.. I was stunned speechless.. My body felt weak when I saw him already without any sign of breath coming out of him. All I see was blood flowing from his nose,mouth and ears. His eyes wide open and red. He might have had his intentions unfulfilled...I was petrified almost to collapsing. Lucky for me my friend was there to hold me tight. And the moment they made me sit,I just burst out crying. Reality suddenly hit me.. Gary is dead...and that's the last image of him that would forever be embedded in my memories of him....
Its been a week since Gary left. I'v been depressed. Can't eat,no mood to talk,skipped school and won't even go out to work. My neighbors and friends began to worry about me. I didn't hear the news of Gary,no phone calls nor visits. The sadness of the past years was could never be compared to what I'm facing now.. Sad...betrayed..... But then again,I felt blessed to be given friends that are caring and concern enough for me. It took them 1 whole week of persuasions before I even decided to get out of the house. Take some breather outside of my zone. To smile at the very least. They had treated me of my favorite nasi lemak that was sold at the hawker centre nearby. Even the uncle who cooks the nasi lemak was determined to see me back to my old self again. Slowly,I began to see and reakised what these nice people's intention was. They just cared a lot for me. After spending sometime at the hawker centre with my friends, We decided to head down to the nearest 7/11 that was at the area. I must admit tho,during those times,these 7/11 are never near or convenient enough. By this time,my emotions has almost returned back to normal. My friends convinced me to see the brighter side of life. I'm all smiles,all jokes and laughter... We even managed to pull a prank at the cashier during our visit at the 7/11.. My friends are indeed a bunch of gems that were sent by heaven..haha...
On our way back to the flat,as we were chatting and laughing we suddenly saw this taxi that was heading fast from the opposite direction. What shocked us was,even before the taxi managed to make a full halt,the passenger door at the back had already sprung opened. We stopped short,thinking that there might be ab accident that is about to take place right infront of our eyes...As the taxi stopped short right beside us, Farah (another friend of mine that was putting up at my place) emerged. With a trembling voice,she shouted " Lina,lina !! come quickly !! Get in the cab with me ! I need to fetch Gary's brother ! Gary had a fall !!" In a shocked state,I just got into the cab with her.Before the taxi left the scene,I over heard my friends concerned voice saying that they'd rush home to see the 'Fall' that Farah was talking about. Still in a state of shocked and daze,all I could hear from Farah is noises and occasionally hearing the word Fall over and over again. I couldn't help but to have worriedness building up in my heart.
We finally reached our destination. True enough,we found Mac and his friends at their usual place. Being a malay,back then I couldn't even understand an ounce of Tamil coming out of their mouth during conversations. But I do see worried and panicked building up in their faces as the convo was about to end. Suddenly everyone was rushing to be somewhere. They gave me a lift on one of the bikes and all was heading to my home. Upon reaching the entrance of my carpark,I noticed a couple of police cars already there and a huge crowd seems to be forming around something or someone at the carpark. I also saw my friends' worried and sad faces when they realised that I'v returned. I stepped down the bike to see a gruesome sight at the foot of my block... Its Gary !!!! Indeed he had a fall,a fatal one at that.. I was stunned speechless.. My body felt weak when I saw him already without any sign of breath coming out of him. All I see was blood flowing from his nose,mouth and ears. His eyes wide open and red. He might have had his intentions unfulfilled...I was petrified almost to collapsing. Lucky for me my friend was there to hold me tight. And the moment they made me sit,I just burst out crying. Reality suddenly hit me.. Gary is dead...and that's the last image of him that would forever be embedded in my memories of him....
Saturday 6 April 2013
My Story......Unexpected Surprise..
As mentioned,Gary's 23rd birthday finally arrived.. Secretly,I'm kinda relieved that all has gone well.. Celebration is at a club along with his elder brother and friends.. All I was thinking then that all the ruckus about the fortune telling was all so wrong.. Well,days after his birthday,he started to change in character. He'd often gets drunk and will end up in a bloody mess whenever he came by my house. I'll in turn will nurse his wounds always.. At that point of time, me and a sworn sister has already been staying independently on our own at my mum's place in Whampoa. Not a big flat,just a rental flat without room.. Those kinds that are small and yet comfortable to live in. Its basically an exchange agreement between my mum and me as by then,she have gotten herself remarried to my step father. The need for the exchange was because of my great grandparents. They are getting old and sickly and my mum needed to be there always. That is why I ended up having to fend for myself on my own there.
Well back to the issues of Gary,liked mentioned,he just kept on changing and changing.. Even tho he might come over being drunk and all, There was never once that he abuses me in that state. As a matter of fact,in his stupor,he'd keep on saying about how much he appreciates me being there for him always. Everytime,he'd throw in some advises on life in the future for me. I never took noticed of it really as most times I'd be focusing in treating and cleaning his wounds. Which by the way doesn't effect me much as I'v faced a much more terrible wounds than his. After about 2 months of such roller coaster. There was once that I came home at the sight of him already in the house sleeping. Didn't know that it was him, I really thought that it might be some intruder Who managed to enter the house without any keys. I even asked my neighbor's help to take a look into the house cause at that point of time,the uncertainty of the 'guest' was really worrying me. To my amazement,its Gary !!! sound asleep like a baby.. Gosh !!! He really knows how to give a fright..After knowing,I didn't bother to ask him much at that time cause I'd know how drunk he was being. But I won't deny it,questions lingered in my mind... How did he enter the house without the use of keys? My windows are at the inner side of the flat which was on the 9th floor, so prior to that,there's never an existing windows anywhere near the door. Did I even had the door locked before I left for work? I only got the answers to my questions later that morning.. It seems that he had climbed in through my kitchen window from the public staircase along the window ledge and into the house. Not to worry,his bravery is not being commendable at all. But his stupidity is the one that actually received one of my rarest naggings so early in the morning..
A week later after that incident, Gary decides to drop by the house the proper way. Not being drunk,no wounds and obviously no climbing in thru the kitchen windows. We sort of havde a long talk in regards of us. He just seems very different that day. The long talk had end with my heart being broken to pieces for that's the last day that we'd be together. There's no 3rd party,there's no mistakes and no arguments to begin with. He seeks forgiveness and even had asked me to take good care of myself when he's no longer around. The farewell speech definitely is very weird to me. I could not accept the fact that there's no longer a US there..
Well back to the issues of Gary,liked mentioned,he just kept on changing and changing.. Even tho he might come over being drunk and all, There was never once that he abuses me in that state. As a matter of fact,in his stupor,he'd keep on saying about how much he appreciates me being there for him always. Everytime,he'd throw in some advises on life in the future for me. I never took noticed of it really as most times I'd be focusing in treating and cleaning his wounds. Which by the way doesn't effect me much as I'v faced a much more terrible wounds than his. After about 2 months of such roller coaster. There was once that I came home at the sight of him already in the house sleeping. Didn't know that it was him, I really thought that it might be some intruder Who managed to enter the house without any keys. I even asked my neighbor's help to take a look into the house cause at that point of time,the uncertainty of the 'guest' was really worrying me. To my amazement,its Gary !!! sound asleep like a baby.. Gosh !!! He really knows how to give a fright..After knowing,I didn't bother to ask him much at that time cause I'd know how drunk he was being. But I won't deny it,questions lingered in my mind... How did he enter the house without the use of keys? My windows are at the inner side of the flat which was on the 9th floor, so prior to that,there's never an existing windows anywhere near the door. Did I even had the door locked before I left for work? I only got the answers to my questions later that morning.. It seems that he had climbed in through my kitchen window from the public staircase along the window ledge and into the house. Not to worry,his bravery is not being commendable at all. But his stupidity is the one that actually received one of my rarest naggings so early in the morning..
A week later after that incident, Gary decides to drop by the house the proper way. Not being drunk,no wounds and obviously no climbing in thru the kitchen windows. We sort of havde a long talk in regards of us. He just seems very different that day. The long talk had end with my heart being broken to pieces for that's the last day that we'd be together. There's no 3rd party,there's no mistakes and no arguments to begin with. He seeks forgiveness and even had asked me to take good care of myself when he's no longer around. The farewell speech definitely is very weird to me. I could not accept the fact that there's no longer a US there..
Friday 5 April 2013
My Story..... The meaning of......
3rd time is a charm,that's what people would always mentioned. So there goes my 3rd year in school.. I'm so used to the life that I'v been leading so far. Not only that,I'v also grown up from the pre puberty and adolescence years. I do look mature for a 15 yrs old then. I'd always be able to enter clubs and pubs without even having to show my Identity Card. Anyway,that is not all that has been changing for me. I begin to know how about the attraction of the opposite gender. Before all these,I just thought that relationships are just about being able to get along with the opposite gender. I also thought that it's just about the physical attractions. I do go on with so called 'relationships' initially but all just didn't last. You could say that the feel just wasn't there yet.. Puppy love,monkey love or just plainly whatever love that people are just referring it to be. At that point of time,all of these 'ships' with laden would just happen in my so called 'adult' life outside school. I'm happy maintaining it that way.. Just hated the thoughts of having partners in a place where I studied and became a child..
Clubbing and outside school curriculum works different for me. Honestly,out of the 2 yrs of knowing people from outside of my study circle,I did get to know a few guys along the way.. Each guys has their own pros and cons to it. I learnt about patience,,sensuality,loyalty, possessiveness,wealth and obsessions. None of them ever taught me Love itself... I failed to feel it for them,they to me are just clouds that happens to drift by the blowing of the wind. Yes...Its true that I'm having fun by all the attentions that I'v got. It's sort of making me feel wanted and important at times but in a way,it also always brings troubles for me. At one moment, I could be enjoying free drinks in club due to the attention I'v got and at another moment I'd be stalked when on my way home.Those things didn't scare me at all tho.. The area that I was staying apparently is very safe itself as everyone would know everyone else.. I'd always feel so protected.. Hahaha..
All those changed after I met Gary.... A local guy of mixed descendants, Very nice and loving guy indeed.. As a matter of fact,he has helped me get out of a previous relationship where I'd literally feel as if I was under supervision 24/7. With Gary,its very different... I was allowed freedom as long as I know not to cross the line between me and other guy frens.. He's protective,loving,honest and he have full trust in me. The thing is,he's about 7 years older than I am... Even tho he's not a super hunky person,his personality and character is enough to qualify him as the sweet and candy of my eyes... The amount of honesty that he gave me is beyond words.. The sense of securities itself is so empowering.. The respect that he showed towards me and my family is something that no one would ever expect of him. Such a gentleman by nature but only I'd see that cause to others,he's just the ruffian that people feared... But the ruffian taught me Love....
With his curly hair,sharp nose and big eyes,Gary could easily passed off as a latino.. Plus,he plays the guitar very well and often would serenade me with the songs that he played.. His sweet gentle look often gives people the impressions that he could easily be fooled... But who's the real fool then?Only those that knows him well knows it... Only those closest to him would know that... He is after all,the real deal in the secret society at that point of time. His involvements with them are never hidden from me. I knew very well of his activities... But I'm never got scared of that... In fact,I felt protected always... Being with him just gives a whole new meaning to life... Being with him,not only do I learnt about Love but I also learnt about the responsibilities towards one's partner.. The only negative thing about him is that,he believed too much about fate readings,palm readings and predictions.. I'm always so afraid to lose a good guy like him. I'll always try my best in making him forget all those nonsense that he's been believing in.. If he's known to be a pillar to me,I'd considered to be his blanket..
Its been a year since I'm with him then.. Life was kindda blissful and happy with us occasionally having those little arguments as normal couples would be. I grew up more in character just by having him close to my heart..That year,I'm gonna turn 16 and he's gonna turn 23 years old.. Its the year that he believed that's gonna be his last.. Everytime he talks about the fateful palm reading moment and that will always be the time that I'd convinced him that we as humans would never be able to know when our time on earth would end. I strongly refused to think that the predictions would happen that year...Not at all or even the slightest similarity of it.....
Clubbing and outside school curriculum works different for me. Honestly,out of the 2 yrs of knowing people from outside of my study circle,I did get to know a few guys along the way.. Each guys has their own pros and cons to it. I learnt about patience,,sensuality,loyalty, possessiveness,wealth and obsessions. None of them ever taught me Love itself... I failed to feel it for them,they to me are just clouds that happens to drift by the blowing of the wind. Yes...Its true that I'm having fun by all the attentions that I'v got. It's sort of making me feel wanted and important at times but in a way,it also always brings troubles for me. At one moment, I could be enjoying free drinks in club due to the attention I'v got and at another moment I'd be stalked when on my way home.Those things didn't scare me at all tho.. The area that I was staying apparently is very safe itself as everyone would know everyone else.. I'd always feel so protected.. Hahaha..
All those changed after I met Gary.... A local guy of mixed descendants, Very nice and loving guy indeed.. As a matter of fact,he has helped me get out of a previous relationship where I'd literally feel as if I was under supervision 24/7. With Gary,its very different... I was allowed freedom as long as I know not to cross the line between me and other guy frens.. He's protective,loving,honest and he have full trust in me. The thing is,he's about 7 years older than I am... Even tho he's not a super hunky person,his personality and character is enough to qualify him as the sweet and candy of my eyes... The amount of honesty that he gave me is beyond words.. The sense of securities itself is so empowering.. The respect that he showed towards me and my family is something that no one would ever expect of him. Such a gentleman by nature but only I'd see that cause to others,he's just the ruffian that people feared... But the ruffian taught me Love....
With his curly hair,sharp nose and big eyes,Gary could easily passed off as a latino.. Plus,he plays the guitar very well and often would serenade me with the songs that he played.. His sweet gentle look often gives people the impressions that he could easily be fooled... But who's the real fool then?Only those that knows him well knows it... Only those closest to him would know that... He is after all,the real deal in the secret society at that point of time. His involvements with them are never hidden from me. I knew very well of his activities... But I'm never got scared of that... In fact,I felt protected always... Being with him just gives a whole new meaning to life... Being with him,not only do I learnt about Love but I also learnt about the responsibilities towards one's partner.. The only negative thing about him is that,he believed too much about fate readings,palm readings and predictions.. I'm always so afraid to lose a good guy like him. I'll always try my best in making him forget all those nonsense that he's been believing in.. If he's known to be a pillar to me,I'd considered to be his blanket..
Its been a year since I'm with him then.. Life was kindda blissful and happy with us occasionally having those little arguments as normal couples would be. I grew up more in character just by having him close to my heart..That year,I'm gonna turn 16 and he's gonna turn 23 years old.. Its the year that he believed that's gonna be his last.. Everytime he talks about the fateful palm reading moment and that will always be the time that I'd convinced him that we as humans would never be able to know when our time on earth would end. I strongly refused to think that the predictions would happen that year...Not at all or even the slightest similarity of it.....
My Story...goes on....
Yup,school and work....because of the unwanted popularity tt I'v gained from the past year. I made more frens in and outside school. My routine now changes drastically. Something that used to be just school,work and home extended to hanging out,clubs and drinking. Not forgetting the occasional fights that I have with random people in or out of school itself. My times and hours are basically being spent in town.. That's where life is for me. Usual hangouts would be Wisma Atria,Forum Galleria,Cuppage Centre and Marina Square... Just to name a few tho... It never felt hectic or tiring to me.. Life is just fast..
Activities during the weekend varies for me. At times,my schedule would just be so damned packed tt I don't even have the time to go home. Did all the crazy things that any teenagers would do then. Especially since most of the times,those runaways would be together with me most of the times that we automatically just formed a clique of our own..The best things that I liked doing most of the times with them would definitely be dancing...We just won't care and would just be dancing almost anywhere. Once, we even dance to the tunes of Ice Ice Baby without any fell of embarrassments at The Padang ( now known as The Esplanade ). Trust me,there's more than 20 of us at that point of time.. Its a no surprise actually coz we would always hangout with those whom we knew from school and our neighborhoods in town always.. We just love performing... We even formed ourselves into a dance group that iis kindda know back then.. From a simple frenship to passion of what we do,some of us developed love for the other. Some of us turns competitive but as for me,a former crushed became my bestfren. By then,I'v also turned into an avid smoker and drinker and clubber.. I do have to admit, I became much more of a rebel than an angel. The Incident didn't turn me into someone quiet,instead it turns me into someone more brave,open and independent.
One thing about me tho,I still will be present in school even tho I'v had a late and tiring night. Study is still my main focus. I aspired to be either a journalist or an architect. In class,no matter how sleepy that I could be,I'd still try my very best to focus and understand whatever that I'm studying. Its very hard indeed,but i strive so hard to make a difference for myself,for my better future. Coming from a not well to do family and having frens that actually depends on you really makes it seems so hard to achieve my own dreams at time. It also sometimes just makes me want to just break down and cry. Not that I do not want to but I always feels that I just have to be strong. Work hard even if I have to really sweat it out. Try my very very best.. Managed to get passes all the times that my teacher would often wonder how the hell did I managed to do it despite being so rebellious and all... All I could say is that I'm lucky to developed such a strong driving force... Work hard and play twice as hard...haha..
Wednesday 3 April 2013
My Story.....still in the 2nd phase...
Well,back to where I stopped here just now....
Months after the whole traumatic incident,the guy has got his sentencing in the courts. 6 years imprisonment and 6 strokes of the cane to be exact. I thought tt life would resume as normal for me,and what I'v realised is just some wishful thinking. Kids in school begin to look at me in a weird way. They don't talk to me like how they used to,what I'v got was just one taunts after the other. To all these,I tried to be immune to it.. I immersed myself towards working after school,I began to slack in all the CCA tt I was in. Life is miserable again!!!!! School was no longer an escape for me,I could't bring myself to enjoy it again... Why must all these happen to me? Why me?? Why...why....???
Eventho my family has stopped all their abusive behaviour,I wasn't comfortable with the niceness. Maybe I'm just so used to all of it thru my younger years. I began to distance myself from all of my surroundings. I seek my old fren from the previous school back. I went clubbing often. Joined a gang and all and established myself as someone whom ppl would fear and respect. I turned astray,wild and all things wrong..... I felt tt I'v let my family down by being in a situation where I'd always be tormented. It just seems so right at tt time to just change,not for the better but instead for the worst as without doing so,ppl ard me have already been judging me. Let there be more witnesses than judges. That's my take at that time. Nothing good could be done,I can't turn back the clock. What ever happens has happened.Months after all that,students in school would often turn to me when it comes to some disagreements within themselves. I'd be the fearful one to them. Even the seniors from the school is not being spared.. I felt a sense of empowerment then. Even teachers can't do anything about it cause apparently I would always managed to conceal my activities well with lots of supporters behind me. These supporters are those tt once upon a time,looked down on me badly..Out of school,I'm still me tho... Still would go to work to earn my money...and mind you,all those money is still for my school allowance,school fees,expenses,clothings and also enjoyments.. I truly enjoyed going to clubs,a game of pool or bowling after work with my colleagues. These are my stress free moments. These are the times when I got to know more ppl from outside of my circle of frens..And one of those ppl actually became the person tt eventho not suddenly but surely did contribute to the way I am now..
By the end of the year, I've already changed my job. I no longer served fast food but instead, I'v discovered the life of being a hotelier.. During those times,kids as young as 14 yrs old are already allowed to work in those food and beverage lines that deals in alcohols.I was one of those. The very 1st hotel that I'v worked in,Grand Hyatt Hotel..Nice place fill with alcohols...hahaha... Met so many ppl whose in the same kind of family situation as me. Even met runaways who doesn't even have a house to go back to. I felt pity for them as I know as a matter of fact how it feels like to be unwanted in by the family. I understood well enough how it is to be abused physically,mentally or even sexually. I felt their woes..... the only best thing tt I could ever do was to take them in and welcomed them into my life liked family. A number of them actually did stayed on with my family for years and years. We are practically became like sisters. All the hardship and fun times are being shared together... As for my own family,they don't really say much abt it cause me and my frens would still be contributing for my family. Its sort of a win win situation for us... And life to me became carefree and better eventho I do still hv school daily...
Months after the whole traumatic incident,the guy has got his sentencing in the courts. 6 years imprisonment and 6 strokes of the cane to be exact. I thought tt life would resume as normal for me,and what I'v realised is just some wishful thinking. Kids in school begin to look at me in a weird way. They don't talk to me like how they used to,what I'v got was just one taunts after the other. To all these,I tried to be immune to it.. I immersed myself towards working after school,I began to slack in all the CCA tt I was in. Life is miserable again!!!!! School was no longer an escape for me,I could't bring myself to enjoy it again... Why must all these happen to me? Why me?? Why...why....???
Eventho my family has stopped all their abusive behaviour,I wasn't comfortable with the niceness. Maybe I'm just so used to all of it thru my younger years. I began to distance myself from all of my surroundings. I seek my old fren from the previous school back. I went clubbing often. Joined a gang and all and established myself as someone whom ppl would fear and respect. I turned astray,wild and all things wrong..... I felt tt I'v let my family down by being in a situation where I'd always be tormented. It just seems so right at tt time to just change,not for the better but instead for the worst as without doing so,ppl ard me have already been judging me. Let there be more witnesses than judges. That's my take at that time. Nothing good could be done,I can't turn back the clock. What ever happens has happened.Months after all that,students in school would often turn to me when it comes to some disagreements within themselves. I'd be the fearful one to them. Even the seniors from the school is not being spared.. I felt a sense of empowerment then. Even teachers can't do anything about it cause apparently I would always managed to conceal my activities well with lots of supporters behind me. These supporters are those tt once upon a time,looked down on me badly..Out of school,I'm still me tho... Still would go to work to earn my money...and mind you,all those money is still for my school allowance,school fees,expenses,clothings and also enjoyments.. I truly enjoyed going to clubs,a game of pool or bowling after work with my colleagues. These are my stress free moments. These are the times when I got to know more ppl from outside of my circle of frens..And one of those ppl actually became the person tt eventho not suddenly but surely did contribute to the way I am now..
By the end of the year, I've already changed my job. I no longer served fast food but instead, I'v discovered the life of being a hotelier.. During those times,kids as young as 14 yrs old are already allowed to work in those food and beverage lines that deals in alcohols.I was one of those. The very 1st hotel that I'v worked in,Grand Hyatt Hotel..Nice place fill with alcohols...hahaha... Met so many ppl whose in the same kind of family situation as me. Even met runaways who doesn't even have a house to go back to. I felt pity for them as I know as a matter of fact how it feels like to be unwanted in by the family. I understood well enough how it is to be abused physically,mentally or even sexually. I felt their woes..... the only best thing tt I could ever do was to take them in and welcomed them into my life liked family. A number of them actually did stayed on with my family for years and years. We are practically became like sisters. All the hardship and fun times are being shared together... As for my own family,they don't really say much abt it cause me and my frens would still be contributing for my family. Its sort of a win win situation for us... And life to me became carefree and better eventho I do still hv school daily...
Sunday 31 March 2013
My Story......2nd Phase
1st day of school was not tt exciting to me. How could I be when the school is located just beside my former primary school? It totally wasn't my choice at all,I wasn't happy with what I'v got. I know tt I deserved a better school,better environment and definitely better living environment. But all those was just wishful thinking.. I'm stuck again but this time round,I want to make a difference. Getting to know ppl at school really was my comfort zone. Coming from a school where every students be it boy or girls have to spot short hair was a difficult transition for me. Well,anyway,I spend my 1st two weeks of the year trying to find myself a job. A part time job to be precise. At the age of barely 13,me and my close fren actually went around town looking for work. All the efforts was so worth it when we landed our very 1st in Burger King Emerald,right smack in town. Independency was so close in our hands.
At school,somehow I did still managed to make a few good fren thanks to my former schoolmate tt got herself into that school too. CCA was great when I joined the NPCC,MLDDS and Netball team. Yes!!! I finally managed to make myself and my days busy with school and work. No more staying home and facing the abuses over and over again. No care in the world of what ppl at home thinks of me (even if they do).The thoughts of growing up and defending myself from the world just keeps playing in my mind. I'm finally happy... I was considered as a frenly person who often choose to be alone at school. My frens are mostly chinese as I don't really have the liking of being with the malays. I don't and never looked down on them but its just tt the chemistry was never really present when it comes to having malay frens. Until....one day,I realised tt the malay girl tt I used to study with just didn't seem to turn up for school for nearly 2 weeks. I got worried for her,I heard news tt she was somehow or rather was in big trouble. Like me,she too was struggling hard to get along well with students from the school hence,I did not managed to get any news of her at all..Then 1 day,I received a phone call from an unknown guy. He was mentioning abt my fren,the missing girl. I was happy tt I'v finally managed to get news of her then. He was asking me to actually meet him at a location where the girl would be. Being young,naive and gullible,I trusted his words tt the girl would be there. I trusted him when he says tt the girl was asking for me so tt I'd accompany her home as she was afraid tt her parents might scold her. I believed the voice of the girl tt was talking to me when he passed the phone over to someone... Someone,tt sounded like my fren. What I didn't realise is,all these was just a set up. The said girl was not even there. It was indeed the voice of an unkown girl tt was talking to me..How could she managed to mimick her voice? How did she know my details? How could she have the heart of doing what she did eventho knowing what the outcome would be? On tt fateful day was the beginning of an ordeal to me. The moment I reached there,life is doomed for me. Being captured,restrain and rape at the age of 13 by a man of 25 yrs old. Yes. Rape.. What did I do to deserve this? I was lured to the trap just becaused I'm having a good intention to help a fren? Oh God.... Its a very sick world..And my escape after a 3 days ordeal was hard. I finally got to call home. I gained the trust of the rapist tt I won't escape. And true enough tt I didn't but managed to get rescue coming to me. He was apprehended and I finally gets to see my family again. My family,eventho how abusive they may be,but they do care. They walk all the way thru with me from the police station,to the scene or location of the crime till the court hearing.Back at school,teachers was trying their best to help me deal with the trauma.I later found out tt my fren was also a victim of his before me.She got it worse as she was not only raped but was beaten up badly too. And the phone numbers,he actually got it from my fren's wallet. On why was my ordeal different from my fren's? That's because my fren was having the animosity with the girl tt posed as her during the time the said phone call was made to lure me there. Again,I'm just an unlucky person..
My Story....1st Phase of my life
"There was once tt i was asked to tell my story... At tt point of time,i really don't see the need to tell it cause I know there's never anything special about it at all.. I'm just the ordinary me tt u see... Nothing differs from what you might see or what i am in reality....But today...after a lot of thinking and pondering around,i DO have the need to tell... Let it out in the open,let those interested know and read... Let them judge after it or make them ponder the truth about it...."
As far as i could recall,life wasn't full of bed of roses to me. The best thing tt I could remember was when I was as young as a 4 yr old toddler... Yes,till now,I'v pride myself to have a very good memory. Its just a blessed gift tt I carry till now. Unfortunately,earliest event of the memory is of my mum being abused and beaten up badly by my father. Unsightly sight for a toddler ppl would say but I was one of the witnesses to the fateful event. Mum had a big fight with my father,she went away to seek solace for a few days only to end up being beaten up by my father the moment she came home... So badly was the beatings,the punches and the kicks.. All i cud try and do is to pull my father away from her...Tried my best but all was in vain till the other family members stepped in to intervene. Yes,an aunty... Life was not easy to begin with, Living in a 1 room flat in the 80s,nothing was behind closed doors.. My family was never the aggressive sort to begin with,all 8 of us were being crowded in tt small space tt we called home... My great grandfather,great grandmother,an aunt,an uncle,my parents,then comes me and my brother. Oh yeah... I did mentioned my great grand parents and not my grand parents...yup...the survivors of the WW2... As for my grandparents,they are a different story in all.. Mother was a beautiful woman at the time,but beauty doesn't guarantee a person to have a wonderful life. My dad was a Malaysian,while my mum was a mixture of malay and chinese decendent of a Singaporean... Lacking of privacy,I'd say was the main caused of my parents dispute as i found out years and years after i grew up..Hence slowly but surely as a result,father became abusive till he even tried to drown me in a pail of water when I was 6 yrs old. He became the mean person tt I'v never knew. He shirks off his responsibilities as a father in all,forcing my mum to fend for herself then. One thing leads to another,finally they got divorce. I was confused as one day,when I was just in primary 1 tt mother asked me of my decision to choose sides...and of coz,as a child,I opted for my mum..
Eventho things at home proceeded to become a better place,the hardships are never over. Now mum has to go out and work full time. Both my aunty and uncle got married and leads their own lives with their partners and all was left was me,my brother and my great grand parents.. Even my mum stayed on her own without us. I could never get along well with my brother. He always seems to be of a nuisance to me. Always whinning,crying,taking my toys away and often causes me to be beaten up by my great grandmother.. I know he's the youngest,but like me,he's growing up too..and it always seems unfair tt he could get away from everything.. I often felt alone,unloved and uncared for..The only time tt I'd feel love from a family member was when my mum's cousin dropped by the house to meet the elderly of the family. He'd often stay over as his home was quite near to ours. When he's around,he'd often play games with me and talked to me. I was just an 8 yr old girl then.. The only worries tt I had was trying not to get any beatings from my grt grandma for my brother's annoyingness. My only point of escape then was my school band and the arrival of my mum's cousin to the house. He was already 16 at tt point of time. I'v placed so much trust in him.. How would i know tt all the friendliness tt was showered to me was just a facade? How would an 8 yr old know tt she was just made into an experiment of some sort by someone she trust? How would I know tt all the touching and kissing was so wrong? I don't.....and yet I do not know why he suddenly stop all the affections and just made his trips there lesser and lesser by the days..And yet,at that point of time,all that I bear was just loneliness again... No grudges and neither was there anger...
Life proceeded on with more beatings,either caused I refused to do my brother's homework or because the clothes tt I'v ironed is not crisps enough.Life is just so twisted.. Childhood was never really an enjoyable moment for me. I turned rebellious in school but never one tt would skip school.. School is the only place tt I felt needed.. The need to succeed was so strong in me. The need to outshine was my motivation daily. In school is where I'v placed my focus fully. Being in the school military brass band and knowing how to play almost every instruments,being in a malay dance grp where I'v learned the ways of being feminine,being in the arts club where I learnt to do all sorts of nice handicrafts and having frens who shares the same interest as me. Thats how my days would be occupied daily..just to escape the woes from home. Always finding ways to escape,making myself busy with tonnes of activities tt when time comes for the school holidays,I'd be the 1st to sign up for any activities in school... Dun get the wrong idea now,all those things doesn't turn me to be an all star student,those are just the beginning of my streetsmart ways.. I must admit tt I do hv my moments when I started smoking at the age of 11 yrs old. My neighbourhood is filled with kids like me,they are either from a broken family or their parents are just too busy earning for their worldly wealth. So we as kids,tends to look out for each other. We are a family of our own. Having arguments,learning new things,fend for each other and care for one another. That's how it was in my neighbourhood. We basically becomes independant one way or the other.
As far as i could recall,life wasn't full of bed of roses to me. The best thing tt I could remember was when I was as young as a 4 yr old toddler... Yes,till now,I'v pride myself to have a very good memory. Its just a blessed gift tt I carry till now. Unfortunately,earliest event of the memory is of my mum being abused and beaten up badly by my father. Unsightly sight for a toddler ppl would say but I was one of the witnesses to the fateful event. Mum had a big fight with my father,she went away to seek solace for a few days only to end up being beaten up by my father the moment she came home... So badly was the beatings,the punches and the kicks.. All i cud try and do is to pull my father away from her...Tried my best but all was in vain till the other family members stepped in to intervene. Yes,an aunty... Life was not easy to begin with, Living in a 1 room flat in the 80s,nothing was behind closed doors.. My family was never the aggressive sort to begin with,all 8 of us were being crowded in tt small space tt we called home... My great grandfather,great grandmother,an aunt,an uncle,my parents,then comes me and my brother. Oh yeah... I did mentioned my great grand parents and not my grand parents...yup...the survivors of the WW2... As for my grandparents,they are a different story in all.. Mother was a beautiful woman at the time,but beauty doesn't guarantee a person to have a wonderful life. My dad was a Malaysian,while my mum was a mixture of malay and chinese decendent of a Singaporean... Lacking of privacy,I'd say was the main caused of my parents dispute as i found out years and years after i grew up..Hence slowly but surely as a result,father became abusive till he even tried to drown me in a pail of water when I was 6 yrs old. He became the mean person tt I'v never knew. He shirks off his responsibilities as a father in all,forcing my mum to fend for herself then. One thing leads to another,finally they got divorce. I was confused as one day,when I was just in primary 1 tt mother asked me of my decision to choose sides...and of coz,as a child,I opted for my mum..
Eventho things at home proceeded to become a better place,the hardships are never over. Now mum has to go out and work full time. Both my aunty and uncle got married and leads their own lives with their partners and all was left was me,my brother and my great grand parents.. Even my mum stayed on her own without us. I could never get along well with my brother. He always seems to be of a nuisance to me. Always whinning,crying,taking my toys away and often causes me to be beaten up by my great grandmother.. I know he's the youngest,but like me,he's growing up too..and it always seems unfair tt he could get away from everything.. I often felt alone,unloved and uncared for..The only time tt I'd feel love from a family member was when my mum's cousin dropped by the house to meet the elderly of the family. He'd often stay over as his home was quite near to ours. When he's around,he'd often play games with me and talked to me. I was just an 8 yr old girl then.. The only worries tt I had was trying not to get any beatings from my grt grandma for my brother's annoyingness. My only point of escape then was my school band and the arrival of my mum's cousin to the house. He was already 16 at tt point of time. I'v placed so much trust in him.. How would i know tt all the friendliness tt was showered to me was just a facade? How would an 8 yr old know tt she was just made into an experiment of some sort by someone she trust? How would I know tt all the touching and kissing was so wrong? I don't.....and yet I do not know why he suddenly stop all the affections and just made his trips there lesser and lesser by the days..And yet,at that point of time,all that I bear was just loneliness again... No grudges and neither was there anger...
Life proceeded on with more beatings,either caused I refused to do my brother's homework or because the clothes tt I'v ironed is not crisps enough.Life is just so twisted.. Childhood was never really an enjoyable moment for me. I turned rebellious in school but never one tt would skip school.. School is the only place tt I felt needed.. The need to succeed was so strong in me. The need to outshine was my motivation daily. In school is where I'v placed my focus fully. Being in the school military brass band and knowing how to play almost every instruments,being in a malay dance grp where I'v learned the ways of being feminine,being in the arts club where I learnt to do all sorts of nice handicrafts and having frens who shares the same interest as me. Thats how my days would be occupied daily..just to escape the woes from home. Always finding ways to escape,making myself busy with tonnes of activities tt when time comes for the school holidays,I'd be the 1st to sign up for any activities in school... Dun get the wrong idea now,all those things doesn't turn me to be an all star student,those are just the beginning of my streetsmart ways.. I must admit tt I do hv my moments when I started smoking at the age of 11 yrs old. My neighbourhood is filled with kids like me,they are either from a broken family or their parents are just too busy earning for their worldly wealth. So we as kids,tends to look out for each other. We are a family of our own. Having arguments,learning new things,fend for each other and care for one another. That's how it was in my neighbourhood. We basically becomes independant one way or the other.
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