My Story..... Time Will Show The Truth

Anyway, let's just cut to the chase here.. Yea.. My new year didn't start off great, its not even close to good. I found out more about my circle of friends that I have that very 1st day of the year. Even so, I guessed at that very young age, love matters more than any friendships around. I ditched my friends, almost all of them. I some how am not ashamed to admit how insecure I am about the relationship that I have. All cause, this guy..he used to be a childhood sweetheart. He used to be a bestfriend when the childhood sweetheart thing doesn't work out. I knew of his past relationships with most of my friends.. I knew what had happen between them, how he'd feel for them, what he'd do for them and even on how he'd touch them. We shared lots of things together as best of friends. Intimate details, our daily lives, our woes, our happiness and even our heartbreak stories. Yes... that's how close i was to him and he was to me. Sometimes, I felt that the reasons my friends are willing to be in a relationship with him is just a way of being able to spite me and gloat for their glories. But everytime, they failed cause he would always tell them that he'll forever be loyal to me as a friend. That is definitely something that I truly am appreciative of him. And I guessed, it's only natural that I'd look for him in my time of darkness... The relationship couldn't have come at in a better time then this. He is my knight in shining armour. Its like I'm finally given a chance to move on and my heart is totally opening up for the guy that I trusted most in life.

Being with him again after so long definitely puts my patience to the tests. As you can see, even in the midst of happiness, I do have occasions that I'd be wanting to strangle someone..hahaha...Its really taking its toll on me, I even broke down in tears once after work coz I felt awfully lonely that everyone at work was avoiding me. I was actually labelled a a back stabber or boyfriend snatcher at work coz everyone thought that I actually snagged him away from my friend. Which of coz, I didn't.. I couldn't take all the sarcasms that was thrown to me at work. The rolling of eyes, the ignorimgs.. It's just so hard to adapt to those things when you are used to the closeness among friends. I caved in and just cried.. I was in love, yes.. but still felt so alone. I'm just so confused. Should I just see life for myself only or for others.. And that's the very first time that I truly felt my mum being a mum.. She consoled me as she was shocked to see me crying so badly. But her words stick to my mind, the very first motherly advise that I needed to hear in my teenage life.. " Just be happy with the one you love, see life for yourself and not others' . They will accept it one day and time will show the truth. "

My Story.... No phones, No talk

" I know that it has been a long while that I've stopped writing. Its not that I have no materials to continue with but rather, twenty four hours a day is just not enough for me to run my life daily. I've been very busy building up my new life, scrapping off my old life bits by bits.. It's a huge challenge for a single mum indeed who's living in a forever progressing small little red dot of a country. tough but moving on to strive for a better rest of my life."

Now let's continue to where I've left off..... Let's see.. Ohh...yea...twisted words indeed. Something that I've never expected coming from her. Surprisingly, that's the very first time after such long years of knowing her that I've seen the manipulative side of her. Disappointing but what can I do? I'll take it as her art of survival. What I thought that ended up with bad notes would be mended back as we were close, as close as sisters , one would say.. However, over the span of the next few days, I also noticed the changed in behaviors from my other fellow colleagues. They didn't acknowledge me much, they didn't sit together with me during our break times, they didn't even talk to me much. As a matter of facts, It's totally safe to assume that they were actually avoiding me. I wasn't even invited or included much activities. The exclusions lasted from days to weeks. Even though I had a new sweet beginning with that special someone, I began to feel lonely at work. I gained a relationship but I sensed that I'm losing friendships. People around me just begins to treat me differently. I felt so alone at work. I knew that it shouldn't be about me, me, me always but then again,these are people who used to be so closed knitted to me at work and after work. These are fiends that I'm having after the loss of Gary. These are also people whom have helped me moved on. It's pretty bad enough that I had to face that at work but then, on a personal level and personal time, things are happening in the relationship too.

Remember the girl who told me about the phone call? Well,.. Apparently she's been calling him daily too.. Trying to chat him up and always asking him out. I can't blame her for not knowing.. coz I flt that I shouldn't just reveal the relationship to everyone yet.. It has to be done slowly and in stages. But then at the same time, I felt blessed that he is being very honest about the phone calls to me. I was always in the loop of things. He knew what I was already facing at work hence he really doesn't want me to be facing more awkward or unnecessary situations. And yet, I was taught another lesson, now by the other girl... Haiizzz... On the eve of  93' which also happens to be the the forth year of  me knowing him, Masturah actually asked him out . He was hesitant to take the offer as he knew that supposedly, I had to work that day. Somehow, she convinced him that I'll be there and that I won't be working. I had been meaning to skip work that day thou but I just haven't had the confirmation yet. And living in those era, the downside is that we either rely on public phones, residential phones, work place phones or a device that's called pager. I was uncontactable by him as I did go to work in the morning. I managed to convinced my managers to let me off in the later part of the evening. I had wanted to surprised him as I had wanted to spend the new year eve with him. And unknowing to me, he had agreed for a meet up with Masturah as he had thought that I would be there with her. Miscommunications at that point of time is definitely nothing new. It just happens every now and then.. Some with severe consequences some would be forgiveable.

I finally got off work later that day. With something nice o look forward to in heart, I called his home to look for him as I'd normally do. " He's not in. He went out already around 4pm." says the voice at the other end of the receiver.. Like what?? He went out? I didn't know he had plans, he never mentioned anything to me at all. Where could he have went to? Oh Mann... I hate this... I shouldn't have tried to surprised him. Now I have no way of contacting him.. I have to go home now.. I have to be at home to wait for his calls.. Gosshh..and I doubt that he'd try calling me earlier..coz he thought that I'm at work.. Now what a mess right? Aaaarrrggghh... Now I'm really angry at myself.. It's New Year Eve and I'm just going to stay in?

My Story..... Twisted Words

It all started on Christmas eve of 93',the conversation seems all so meaningful and nice. That night after a very long talk,we decided that the time is right for us to be together. All the experiences that we have gone thru individually made us think that what supposed to be would really meant to be. Can't believe that from someone so random that we'v managed to be bestfrens then its actually proceeding to be a couple. Must admit that it felt happy to be together again. So here we are, being together and having it as our lil secret. 

Well,the secret was short lived as we were together for almost a week without anyone knowing and then finally its about time for us to meet up. Knowing the nature of my job and the people that are my colleagues,there's no way that its gonna be a good surprise for them. Especially towards the 'sister' that I have. She's been having major crush on him for as long as I could remember. I know that I can't just break the news to her instantly. So,I did what I did,you can call me names for all you want after reading about what I did but at that point of time,I really didn't have any regrets at all. I took one fine day to be breaking the news to her then,told her about how me and beau got to contact each other again. She was indeed surprised that the phonecall happened. The only part that I purposely left out was the part that we'v been together again eversince then. With a lil white lie,I told her that he's been asking about her too when she started to ask me if he knows about her existence. There came all the good reviews about him... About how good a guy he is,about he is being a nice guy and all... For a moment there,I almost believed that she had meant all those words...haha... 

These nice and flowery words about him lingers on at work for almost 3 days. She even kept praising him of his gentlemanly ways when they used to hang out in a group... Why 3 days? Well,that is because,he'd be finally be fetching me from work then.. Yup...meeting everyone up close that night... On that very day itself,the moment when I saw her at work,I summed up my courage and tell her everything... Everything,from the very day I made that call till the day that I was standing right in front of her. And to my surprised,words change !!! From the 'Nice' person he is,he became the 'playa' type... She started rambling about how I shouldn't be with him,how he likes to break a woman's heart,how notorious he could be and that I'd regret being with him....so on and so forth...  Really nothing beats the way when a woman is scorned.....

My Story....Facade??

As the story goes, finally I'v contacted him. Its such a relief to be hearing from him again. The all familiar voice,the talks and everything. There's definitely a lot of catching up for us. All the past that we had with each other was instantly forgotten. Told him about Gary's demise and he told me about his NS life and his break up with a girl whom he nearly got engaged to. Ya..we do have our own history together.. Never really a bad one but indeed something that I find unique. Maybe,you could just say that I'm just a bad boy magnet. Hahaha...funny indeed.... Well there's a reason for me to be saying this actually.. Met him during one of those event outings that I had with my frens a few years back.. Its the countdown to the New Year to be precised. He was the sort of boys whose cute looking..  I myself was not really a looker then. Had a short fling with him till one day we decoded that we still want to experience life,we still wants to enjoy our teens and its definitely not the time for commitments yet. So we parted and become best frens. That's when he started being high from drinking and drugs of all sorts. And he starts dating girls after girls whom of which are in a circle of my frens. I know...its weird to be seeing an ex beau with other girls and still be on good terms with him. But that's the uniqueness of it all. The understandings that we possessed between one another. He's not the only one dating tho,for a fact that I'm doing it too but when it comes to our nightly chats on the phone,nothing about our rendezvous would ever emerge. We'd just talk with comfort and laughters everynight.

This time round,the conversation is definitely different. We seems to miss each other so badly. Then finally,after nearly 3 hours of talk,he finally confesses to still be holding the flames for me. Even tho I'm skeptical,the sense of happiness was there. To think that a failed relationship,being a witness to his flamboyant ways and losing contact for quite sometimes would still have him harboring those feelings for me. As for me,all I wanted to do is to get on with life. Not to forget Gary but just having to move on. The mind just needed a rebound guy. And he seems perfect coz I know that he won't hurt me,I know that he cares for me but what I didn't know and never could predict after so many years later was that he's the biggest mistake of my entire life and existence. At that point of time,all I did see was that he's my knight in shinning armor. 

After so much thinking,being bestfrens and all,on that fateful morning we decided to be together this time. To be special towards each other since we already knew and accepts each of our own colorful background and experiences. The happiest moment indeed. A win win situation for me. To have a rebound guy who understands me fully,knows me personally and accept me for who I am. A person whom of which everyone is familiar with. Even my family knew him. But little do I know the hard truth to it all.... It's all a facade,a beginning indeed....

A Lil Something...

Well...before I even attempt to continue with my story writing,Let me tell You a lil something about myself.....

I may not be a perfect person with a good command of English.. I wrote what I feel,What I experience and how I see things the way it is.. Yes My Story is about me...My Life.... Might not be interesting but I've lived it..The so-called Love-Hate relationship I had with my life..

I don't like to be judged and neither do I want to judge. I'm being frank and honest coz I dare.. I dare to admit the mistakes in my life and I dare to just be verbally honest about it. And if being brave and open to it is so called STUPID,then those who judge only after knowing the partial truth are IDIOTs.. 

My Story hasn't end,It has just begun.......

My Story... the past returns..

After quite sometime that I'v been living my days in busy loneliness,I'v finally decided to move back to my parents' place... Accept that,my problem this time was that I wasn't allowed to bring my close friend back together with me. The only person that has been with me for nearly 3 years.. Knowing my ups and downs... Living as the only sister that I'v ever had.... Its bad enough that I couldn't get along well with my step father, lte alone even to have a one line conversation with him... Aaaarrrggghh !!!! Its so irritating to come home as a stranger daily... All the more that I won't be home always...

The house that I'v called home for nearly a year was then surrendered over. Among all my belongings and furniture have to be left there for good... Coming back home to the hometown that I grew up in,Living in a cramped space with my own family.. The thoughts are never welcoming to me. With a big difference since everything that has happened,I won't know how to go back to life normally... School was already out of the question for me now. Doesn't matter if once upon a time,all the ambitions that I had.. They all just seems to be a big smashed and shattered dreams for me. I didn't even try to establish any contacts with my former schoolmates. They just seems to vanished into thin air like smoke. The only driving force that I have in me was just to carry on living and to be earning some decent livelihood for myself. And in that,not even depending on my mother. My only contact then was towards a few friends of mine that still bothered to hang out at times. My outings with those hoteliers never did end thou at times I do get sick and tired of it.. Doesn't matter how busy my day is,I just can't shake the feeling of being alone.

After about 3 months that I went back home,I received an unexpected call from a girlfriend of mine. The call was not as surprising as the news that she bought together with her. Apparently,my so-called bestfriend was actually looking all over for me. He had wanted to contact me for so long but he just won't know where I'd be. Initially,I was reluctant to give him a call as its been nearly over a year that I'v talked to him. We used to talk a lot on the phone,everyday a new topic would arise. At times,its just empty talk with lots of jokes and laughter accompanying the conversations. I'd at most times referred him as my happy pills. Its just that,the friendship turned sour as both of us has our own serious relationship in hand. As I'v mentioned before,there were times after Gary's demised that I'v badly wanted to hear from him again. Maybe,just to get the smile back and to hear the familiar voice that I'v been so comfortable with. It took me 3 whole days before I actually could summed up enough courage to give him the much awaiting phonecall.. Maybe,the history between us was too much for me to handle then,knowing the state that I'm in,I know that the heart is still too fragile to even talk to him again.

My Story...... The beginnings again......

As months went by,I struggle my way thru work. Becoming a workaholic is everything that I knew that I could be at the time. I just felt like I shouldn't be at home anymore. Despite having lots of people around me, I'd often felt so alone... At times,I can't even shoulder the loneliness on my own... I started to club right after work.. Drink,went for a game of billiard or even just take long walks to the other side of town to have my meals and then back again. Even tho with new friends and old friends around,they somehow or rather knows that I'v not recovered myself from the traumatic experience that I went thru few months back.Anyway,still at the back of my mind,questions about his death still lingers on... And for once,I really felt lost.... Just couldn't figure out where my life is heading to... I quit school,spent on my savings and just be someone whose so clueless about my own future..

Making friends was never really hard for me but at that point of time,I became more quiet. Nothing or no one really matters to me. Not even my family nor my mum. I just want to be alone. Just wants to be by myself most of the times. Even when noises around me never fail to attract attention to others, I'd just keep on ignoring it... To me,Its none of my business to begin with... Late at nights when there are occasions that I won't have any destination after work, I'd rather make myself a pot of coffee and just be sitting down by the staircase that Gary once climbed. My mind was never at ease...there's always something that lingers deep inside me wanting a friend,a familiar voice a person that I used to be close to talking and listening to me..

A neighbor of mine would often be my companion during those nights that I'd have my coffee brewing. Liked me,he too came from one of those "broken up" family.. He'd tell me his day at work once after he got himself settled down from the tiring day at work. He'd tell me stories of his love life.. Interesting thou... Even so,spending time with him always reminds me the best friend that I used to have.. A fling that actually turns comfy once upon a time. A fling that turns friendly and funny once upon a time. A fling that turns to be my bestfriend that I'd always confide in who'd always be there to listen and not to judge.. Those were the days before I lose contact with him for some small issue that was called "relationships".....